3 Reasons Why Shackin' Up Before Marriage is Beneficial
Back in May, Michael Ealy and Meagan Good did a promo tour for their movie The Intruder and during an interview with Dana Blair from XONecole, he mentioned that he and his wife lived together before marriage. The uproar I watched a clip on the XONecole Instagram page, and read all 88 comments from mostly Black women citing their reasons for agreeing or disagreeing with cohabitation with a significant other.
Reading through these women’s responses, I could not help but reflect on my own experience with similar situations.
After dating my then fiancé’ for nearly two years, we decided to move in together as a way to build a foundation for our marriage--free of judgment and distractions from other people. We were fully aware of the potential risk that it could make or break our relationship, but the fact that we were already engaged and planned to be married within a year, it was worth giving our love a shot. Taking this next step was an act of faith, one that we viewed as an opportunity to get to know one another inside and out (flaws and all), as well as get our finances in order (pay off debt, figure out one another’s spending habits, and save for the wedding).
I was against shackin’ up at first…
I grew up in the Pentecostal Church where not only was having sex before marriage frowned upon, but now I’d be willingly living in sin? It was almost like I was signing up for a first-class ticket to Hell, wearing gasoline drawers. My mister and I had been secretly apartment hunting in the evenings after class, and the thought of having this new found freedom was invigorating, and scary at the same time. We looked at this one place on a Thursday, and by the next morning, we were approved, and would be moving the following Tuesday. I could already feel the side eyes I would be getting from family and friends, followed by unsolicited advice and comments like “why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?” I’m not going to lie lie… I shared those same sentiments, but as a serial over-thinker, I had to convince myself that I had this in a bag.
Cohabitation should be a prerequisite in today’s relationships only if you are in a healthy, fulfilling relationship and have established that you want a lifelong commitment or intend to be married.
Relationships are an investment, and you want to be sure that this person is adding value to your life, and can complement what you already bring to the table. Here are three reasons why I think shackin’ up before marriage is beneficial:
1. You get to know each other inside and out.
Let’s keep it 100, you can only fake the funk for so long (no pun intended lol). As cliché’ as it sounds, “what’s done in the dark will come to light.” Having a roommate who so happens to be your “homie, lover, and friend” all in one will expose some things, good and bad. Like sis, can you really live with facial hair all in the sink when you’re trying to beat your face in the morning before work, or waking up in the middle of the night to pee and your back side hit the toilet water because he left seat up?! Really think about what your deal breakers are and be upfront about them.
2. A glimpse into financial compatibility
Living with your boo is all fine and good until the rent is due. Having tough conversations about each other’s finances is awkward as hell, but it is necessary. Discussing things like how living expenses will be divided, financial obligations, spending/saving habits, and short/long term financial goals are all important. Being in control over your personal finances, having a separate account, and whether or not to open up a joint account may also be something to think about.
3. Learn to communicate more effectively
Talking about gender roles, expectations, and setting boundaries are key in securing a down payment for your future. To take it a step further, I’d even recommend pre-marital counseling. I know for my husband and I, it really helped us to set goals and to map out what we wanted our marriage to look like, and to learn how to bring that vision into fruition. Going to therapy as an individual and/or collectively can really give you some useful tips on how to resolve any past traumas/issues, and heal from them in a productive, healthy way. Being able to communicate your needs/wants with clarity and with an open heart and mind, is the best gift you can give your partner.
At the end of the day, there is no one size fits all remedy for creating a sustainable relationship. Find peace in knowing full well that other people’s approval and validation does not define you.
