Black Women, You Don’t Need to be a Mother to Feel Fulfilled
Queens take a deep breath. This may ruffle a few feathers but follow me for a moment.
Besides “finding a man,” baring children is the second most talked about life decision that is a topic of discussion at nearly every family gathering. People rarely ask about how you are doing on a personal level; it’s always about catering to the needs of other people.
We are taught from an early age how to take care of everybody else, but ourselves. Heck, some of us were even taught how to cook, not so we could eat, but so that we could feed our men and babies. That self-imposed burden to preserve your femininity by becoming somebody’s mama, ends here.
You matter. You are loved. Your life has meaning. Your self-worth should not be wrapped up in whether you choose to/or can have children.
You create your own narrative.
Free your mind of this idea that you are incomplete, incompetent, and unable to attain happiness if kids are not in the picture.
This element of choice is one that we always forget when it comes to having children. You are damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. You might as well, do what will bring you joy, rather than that trying to keep up with joneses.
Contrary to popular belief, not every woman’s dream is to become a mother. Some of us are career-driven and goal oriented, focused on filling up the pages on our passports and manifesting the desires of our hearts; which does not include having children.
There are plenty of insanely successful women who are happily single, and childless. Look at Tracee Ellis Ross, Sanaa Lathan, and Regina Hall, for example. Not wanting to have children does not make you any less of a woman. Its okay to be the fine, rich aunty who gets all the tea from her nieces and nephews at the cookout. We must stop shaming women for not wanting to fit into some invisible box or standard based on what society deems as normal or acceptable.
I remember the first time someone asked me if I wanted to be married and/or be a mother, and I flat out said “no.”
They looked at me like I had ten heads…but low and behold years later in my Maury Povich voice life determined that that was a lie and here I am with two kids, and a whole husband (laughs nervously). Trust me…that was not the plan.
I read something on Facebook the other day that read, “Unplanned does not mean unwanted or unloved. It just means life knew what I needed before even I did.”
To be honest, I did not think that having children was an option given my medical history. At the age of 12, I was told that I was infertile due to Endometriosis, and in the off chance that I was able to conceive a child, it would be a High-Risk pregnancy. And aside from what the doctor’s told me, I did not believe that I was nurturing enough to take on such a task as motherhood. To me, motherhood had a certain level of selflessness and responsibility that I did not think I would ever be prepared for.
For years, I watched so many women sacrifice their dreams, and even their health, trying to live up to what the world says a woman should be. Putting our families first, while neglecting ourselves only leads to bitterness and regret. Now as a mother, I understand that we must make the conscious choice everyday to show up for ourselves, first. As cliché’ as it sounds, “you cannot pour from an empty cup.” Make sure that if you choose to be a mother, do it for the right reasons; not out of fear of another people’s judgment, or because of some “biological clock.” If not, you’ll spend the rest of your life trying to reclaim your time.
