Black Women Deserve Good Sex

Let’s all be honest with each other, black women have a history (and continuing tendency) to be subservient in relationships; both platonic and romantic. From the relationships we have with our children, to our relationships with friends, family, and partner’s, black women seem to have fallen into the role of “givers” and “supporters”, something which has extended into our sex lives.

More often than not, I’m seeing the negative sexual history that black women have found themselves intertwined in, be repeated time and time again. A lot of black women have been taught that it is our duty to serve and to please, something which we can perhaps trace back to slavery.

Even before black women arrived in the Americas, we were placed on creaking ships of impending suffering, and there we were stripped both physically, and emotionally. Our clothes were destroyed, and our bodies mutilated; we became objects of economic and sexual conquering(s). And on these swaying and creaking ships, we were penetrated, something which began a seemingly never ending cycle of displeasure.

And here we are, some three hundred years later, still living in the cycle. Though some of us began our personal tales in the cycle with consensual sexual encounters, others began theirs with molestation, rape, and other forms of abuse (note: according to a study conducted by Black Women’s Blueprint, almost 70% of black girls in the United States have experienced some form of sexual abuse). Black women and black girls everywhere can jokingly, woefully, and awkwardly recall tales of unfulfilling sex and coerced encounters, regardless of whether they were consensual or not. And it is these encounters that have catapulted us to still be living in a sea of sexual dissatisfaction.

And while some of you may be thinking of a new wave of entertainers, who are spearheading a revolution of black women enjoying (i.e., Lizzo, Megan Thee Stallion, etc.,) and taking control of their sex life, I implore you to think about yourself, the everyday black woman. If you do that, then I’m sure you’ll be more open to accepting the reality that many of us have only recently found these new to the (popular) scene entertainers, and we cannot use their handful of empowering anthems to delete centuries of programed and society facilitated behaviors (and treatment). But, we can use them to aid us on our journey of demanding good sex and sexual gratification:

Juice GIF by Lizzo

1.) We know what we said before, but this is what we’re saying now, crank up the tunes of Lizzo and Megan Thee Stallion (while they are not the only entertainers we can recommend to you, we thought that these two were good places to start when beginning your journey of sexual empowerment. Let Megan teach you how to be the captain while he’s the lieutenant, and allow Lizzo to guide you into feeling good as hell.)

Touch My Body GIF by Tenor

2.) Explore your body (yes, that’s right, we want you to masturbate. But this isn’t just about masturbation, it’s about taking the time and space to freely explore your body and the sensations that follow. What feels good? What doesn’t feel good? What feels okay? And don’t be timid, this is your time to get to know yourself, and it is one of the first steps in taking back your sexual power. If you don’t know what pleases you, then how can you expect anyone else to know how to? We also encourage you to not only physically explore your body, but to visually explore [aka, look at yourself girl])

Source: https://meredithvieirashow.tumblr.com/

3.) Be authentic to your body (just because you saw some girl on some porno do this or that, doesn’t mean that you have to do that, or like it. You don’t have to engage in any sexual activity because you think you should enjoy it, or you think “oh, maybe I’ll like it this time”. Be authentic to yourself both mentally and physically.)

Source:https://badasstherapist.tumblr.com/post/176597327028/when-a-client-starts-asserting-boundaries-to-make

4.) Seek counseling from a mental health professional (hundreds of thousands of black women and black girls in the United States have deep suffering wounds from our sexual history. Whether you’ve been a victim to sexual assault, or if you’ve found yourself becoming more and more frigid in sex for whatever the reason, you are encouraged to seek professional help from a licensed counselor or therapist. While the up beat and sexy tunes of the artists mentioned above might be helpful in your journey, remember that they are only an aid and should not be used in an attempt to heal yourself of any past or current traumas.)

Communication GIF. Source: https://www.xonecole.com/communication-is-key-5-ways-to-get-him-to-open-up-more/

5.) Communicate with your partner (okay, you’ve gotten to the part where you know what you like and maybe, you’re even working with a mental health professional, now it’s time to communicate what you’ve learned and discovered. While in a perfect world our partners would all know “that spot” and how to nibble on our ear ever so slightly [perhaps through some sort of psychic parley], we live in a world where more often than not, partners have to be taught and we are not made of glass.)

Source: https://skylarsheldonsidneygracie.tumblr.com/post/113066943817/tv-fashion-toni-childs

6.) Include positive images of women in your day to day life (surround yourself with images of sexy, confident, and powerful women who resemble yourself in both size and skin tone. While we can be inspired by black women of all shades and sizes, studies show that we are not as objective as we’d like to think, and we can more easily relate to and trust [both romantically and platonically] those who physically resemble ourselves).

Source: http://www.styleite.com/features/10-beyonce-gifs-that-communicate-your-july-fourth-problems/

7.) Eliminate previous partners who failed to satisfy (now look, we’re not saying all your partners should be Secretariat out the gate, but if you’ve had truly negative sexual experiences [and yes, we do mean that in the plural sense] with someone, we strongly encourage you to refrain from engaging in these actions (or others) with them again.

Source: https://www.wetv.com/shows/growing-up-hip-hop-atlanta

8.) Don’t be afraid. (You deserve good sex. And no, I don’t mean Pornhub #1 featured video of the week sex, where some guy is jackhammering you to pieces [unless that is your idea of good sex]. But I mean you deserve whatever it is you have taken the time to define as “good”. For some of you, that might be roleplaying, or maybe it means extensive foreplay, or maybe it’s fulfilling your partner’s desire. But whatever it is, you should define your definition of good sex, and you should be fearless in your pursuit of having good sex. Do not be frightened by the idea that you’ll lose your partner if you don’t put them first in the bedroom. If you are determined to give in to your fears, then give into the fear that from this day on, you might live the rest of your life, whether that be fifty more years, or three more months, still denying yourself a pleasure that you can have if you just allowed yourself to have it. How frightening is that? Being within arms reach of a smile, of happiness, of an orgasm, and then being the one to snatch it away from yourself.)