What Season 3 of 13 Reasons Why Taught Me About Dealing with Trauma
Trauma doesn’t discriminate.
**Spoiler alert: this article discusses details about the current season of 13 Reasons Why.
**TW: rape, depression and suicide are also discussed.
TV has an often used formula of presenting a dilemma, keeping viewers on the edge of their seats while it all threatens to go terribly wrong, and then somehow, a resolution arises and life is good again within a matter of 30-60 minutes.
We as viewers understand that’s how most shows work. And that’s not stated to undermine the effects of the show, trust me I am a proven and frequent crier (looking at you Shonda Rhimes), but it’s not reflective of the reality of life. However, occasionally one show comes along and makes you feel as if a mirror were being held up to the things you’ve felt or experienced…or overcome.
If you’re caught on the series you know we, the viewers have witnessed the harsh reality of many very real and unfortunately common issues teens in our society face today. We witnessed Hannah Baker suffer endlessly behind bullying, sex scandals, exploitation, petty fights, rape and then ultimately lose her life to suicide. We saw much of the same happen to Jessica Davis as she’s raped while her boyfriend sits outside the door, helplessly. And though she finds the courage to report her rape, we know by now, Bryce Walker gets what many young, rich, white men get after they’ve been accused of a crime: hardly a slap on the wrist.
I’ll be honest and say that although the first two seasons of this show were hard to watch and at times depressing, this third season hits on another level. The writing, production and execution captured the experience and effects of trauma masterfully.
Let me preface this by saying, this has been the hardest article I’ve ever written. It is messy and probably needs to be edited into oblivion. But it is reflective of what it’s like to go through a traumatic experience. Things get messy, ugly, complicated and dark. You’re everywhere and nowhere you want to be. You’re suddenly an actor/actress desperately trying to play the role of your former self while stuffing down authenticity. You’re doing everything you can to not explode or emotionally vomit out this sickness. But holding it in mean it’s eating you alive…
I didn’t immediately realize that I was raped. Contrary to what’s often portrayed on TV, all rapes are not brutally violent. I guess that part should be a relief for me? It wasn’t until I’d said something to a male friend a couple of weeks later that the fog in my mind parted. I had walked away from the experience feeling and knowing I didn’t want it to happen and even spent some time wishing I could jump back in time to do something differently. Maybe I could have gotten out the car? Maybe I should have fought back? Why didn’t I? And didn’t I like this guy anyway? But I didn’t get out the car, so maybe I was complicit?
But I did say no. More than once. And although I had liquor in my system I still knew I didn’t want it to happen. But it did.
Afterward, it’s almost as if my emotions hadn’t caught up with reality. Mentally, I knew the facts. And once my friend put it into words, a word that I never wanted to hear associated with my body—something in me just broke. That brokenness lasted for years.
I was sexually assaulted in 2012 by someone I considered a “good guy.” We’d known each other from childhood and back then, he was always cool. There was nothing that even now, I could point out that would signal to me that he could also be dangerous. I mean, we’d been friends since we were 10. He was well-known in our social circle as a leader and positive role model. I felt “safe” going out with him. And yet there I was, every day after that night jumping through mental hoops in my mind mainly about what I should have done differently. Blaming myself for not being more forceful in my “no” or not fighting harder. Blaming myself last for years.
I remember he responded only once saying, “come on we’re adults stop acting like a little girl.” I remember the song that was playing and how we weren’t parked that far from my house. I remember sitting in my room in complete shock afterward and being unsure of if I should tell my friends. Or maybe the police? My mom?
But once I heard the word rape I instantly became ashamed. How could I let this happen? Why didn’t I demand he unlock the doors and let me out? Why didn’t I fight harder?
Much of this, I remembered while watching the characters process and find ways to heal from their traumas in 13 Reasons Why.
I could relate to Jessica’s confusion and ultimate shame, humiliation and rage after being raped. I could relate to how hard it is to tell someone, anyone that you’ve been violated and you don’t know what to do now. You don’t even know how to exist in your skin with this new reality.
I can also relate to the extremely powerful scene where Tyler Down admits through tears to Clay Jenson why he’s afraid to let anyone touch him, or use the school’s bathroom, let alone share the violation he’s experienced to his own body.
But still needing to be seen and having a friend to completely break down in front of. I can relate to truly needing to hear the words, “I am so sorry that happened to you” and not knowing how much you needed it until they’ve been said.
Lastly, I can related to both Hannah Baker and her mother Mrs. Baker.
Hannah, having sustained far more emotional abuse and trauma than anyone should ever endure, especially as a teenager still finding herself in the world, spiraled further and further into a depression. She began to distance herself from her family, friends, schools and all the things she once loved. She numbed herself as she convinced herself that ending her life was the only way to escape the weight on the pain.
I remember thinking: this will all stop if I just stop. I’d already made a habit of calling out of work. Skipping out on my friends. And crying became a regular habit. I remember wishing that I would somehow just not wake up for another day. Because that meant: the battle started all over again. Thankfully, I had a routine doctor’s appointment and was honest about how dark my depression was getting in the screening sheet. I was referred to a trauma specialist and eventually flat out told her I felt suicidal. I wanted to die….but I didn’t want to die. I just wanted to stop remembering. I wanted the shame to stop and to stop going over what had happened in 2012 as it was then, 2015. Shouldn’t I be somewhat past this by now? Shouldn’t I be able to lock this away and be done with these emotions? Why were they still consuming as if it just happened?
Well, the answer to all these questions is no.
There is a scene where Jessica Davis, having found purpose in advocating for sexual assault victims’ rights, publicly declares that she will no longer hold on to victimhood—she is a survivor. As we see more and more students come forward bravely, stating that they are survivors—it begs the question of how long have they been suffering in silence?
What I’ve learned in processing and healing from my own rape and from dealing with trauma in general (with help from a bomb ass black therapist) is this:
There are no time limits on healing. We cannot force our experiences down into a box or behind a door and hope they never pop up again. They will. And one day, if we ever want to stop being victims, we’ll have to face them.
There is no one kind of victim and there is no one kind of rape. Rape is rape and it can happen to literally anyone. Men and women or however else you identity yourself. Trauma does not discriminate against color, class or personality. We may all process it differently, but we all experience much of the same cycle of feelings: shame, denial, regret, rage, depression, suppression, blame, and repeat. Because, we’re all humans. And human’s are susceptible to pain. And if it’s you, please remember:
It’s OK to NOT be OK.
It’s OK that you didn’t report it.
It’s OK if you didn’t react the way you think you should have reacted.
Its OK if you didn’t fight as hard as you wish you would have.
Its OK to not be perfect in being hurt.
And most importantly: it is NOT your fault. It was NEVER your fault.
13 Reason Why gave us a rare look at a perpetrator coming to terms with the many ways he’s destroyed people’s lives. I can say I whole heartedly don’t believe this happens in reality for predators but I digress. Bryce Walker may have walked away from the court a free man, but we see that he’s still imprisoned as he’s haunted by the sins of his past.
Know that your attacker may never see jail time. They may never apologize. They may never even acknowledge what they’ve done. And that’s infuriating, it’s wrong. But it’s also why you can’t let them continue to rob you further.
I mentioned being able to relate to Mrs. Baker. The mother who found her lifeless daughter, buried her and found a way to move forward in life. When we see her again this season we know that she has since moved to New York City and divorced Hannah’s father. But it’s immediately evident that no part of her has forgotten the trauma her daughter experienced at the hands of Bryce Walker. The anger and pain of that reality are still very much written all over her face. As she sits down to talk with Clay about Hannah’s death she said something that helped me to have my own revelation. As Clay grapples with whether or not to possibly use Mrs. Baker as a scapegoat in Bryce’s murder case she advises him of the one instinct Hannah lost sight of and that he must not: survival.
It is only on the other side of my own experience that I am not able to know that to be 100% true. Sometimes your willingness to survive really is the only thing keeping you from a tragic end. You could have every reason to want to exit this earth but the one to remain is still somehow stronger.
Surviving trauma of any kind does not have a rule book or guidelines. But it does have survivors. There are people still walking forward in life who can help you and at times carry you over the next hurdle. I wrote this article because I realized we need that. Examples of people breaking through victim-hood into survivor and still even further into a conqueror. The old me needed that. And no doubt, someone else needs it now.
If it’s you know you are not alone even if your choosing solitude.
You’re not unworthy, even if someone belittled you.
You’re not a reflection of someone else’s ugliness.
Know that seeking help is a lifeline and it has the potential to be one the best decisions you’ll ever make for yourself.
And if you’re like me, still occasionally feeling the shame and at times, and you need to take a “time-out” from your routine to mourn your scars, know that it’s OK too.
The difference in getting through trauma vs. drowning from the storms of it, is deciding to survive in spite of it.
