True Life: I Was a Trash Friend.

I never knew how to deal with matters of the heart.

Growing up in my household we didn’t deal with our pain, we left. I never let anyone get close to me because of my abandonment issues. I would rather leave than to be left. I had to protect myself at all costs, and even though people meant a lot to me, I couldn’t muster the courage to tell them out of fear that they’d leave. It’s a defense mechanism. Fight or flight was my response since it was built on my insecurity.

I’m sorry is not you, it’s me.

Have you ever ghosted a friend or canceled plans last minute just to sit home and do nothing?

One of the biggest hurdles to date that I’ve had with to best friend was not attending one of the biggest milestones in her life - her baby shower. I had every intention of being there for her.

When I received the invitation, I was so excited. I RSVP’d almost immediately and called her to let her know that I couldn’t wait to see her. She had moved out of state 3 years prior, and this would be the perfect opportunity to catch up and celebrate her at the same time.  I was looking at Amtrak tickets, hotel accommodations, and had purchased a gift. Then somehow the day of the shower I got cold feet and told her that I couldn’t make it.

It crushed me, knowing that I had hurt her. That I, her best friend, was missing literally the most important moment of her life, yet again.

The time before that, she had asked me to be her Maid of Honor, and I respectfully declined. Two rejections back to back? I was trash. Throw the whole woman away. Before yall get all judgy, let me explain.

I’ll be honest, my insecurities had me feeling inadequate and that I was a seat filler. I knew in my heart that she wanted me to be there and that my presence meant something because I was her family, but my feelings got the best of me. I started telling myself that I wasn’t enough and started questioning our entire friendship.

I had always struggled with cultivating long-lasting friendships with women, so I chopped it up as this was just another example of that.

Letting my guard down and being vulnerable made me uncomfortable. So, instead of opening up and telling her the truth, I lied. After a while, emotionally it got to be too much, so I ghosted.

A few months went by, and her handsome baby boy was born. Being the dope person that she is, she did her best to include me in her new life by sending me pictures and giving updates. Occasionally, I’d reach back out, but at a comfortable distance. Nearly a year later, I too became a mother, and we both thought that our time had come again, to reconnect since our lives were beginning to mirror each other.

But, me being me, I withdrew myself again.  

In that season, despite how embarrassing it is to admit my flaws, I learned so much about myself. I discovered that I had a lot of unhealed wounds surrounding what healthy friendships look like, and that I was toxic in a lot of ways. When things were not going my way, or felt uncomfortable, I would bounce. I was doing the very thing that I feared someone would do to me. I essentially was projecting my pain, instead of dealing with it.

What happens as a result of being a toxic friend/person?

You over apologize.

You panic about little things, and become super aware of your behavior, and go over each of your actions with a fine-tooth comb. You are quick to check yourself and take responsibility for any wrongdoings, even if it wasn’t your fault.

You overcompensate.

You become so afraid of messing up again that you go above and beyond to prove your worth.

You over-commit.

Even if something is not within your budget or doesn’t work with your schedule, you make it work anyway, because you want to redeem yourself for past transgressions.

You overthink.

Anytime your friend is not as talkative or quiet, you fear that you did something wrong, and go into fixer mode. You try to be on your P’s and Q’s to not give them a reason to question your loyalty again.

You blame yourself.

You replay old scenarios in your head and think of the what-ifs and wonder if you were truly forgiven and if the other person will try to retaliate in the future.

So, before you try to get to know new people and/or jump into your next friendship, make sure that you acknowledge any unresolved issues/personal hang-ups. No one deserves to deal with the repercussions of your pain.